How Not to Say “I’m Sorry”: A Therapist’s Guide to Meaningful Apologies

09|2025

As a family therapist, one of the most common phrases I hear from clients is “I’m sorry.” It is often uttered with the intention of diffusing tension, shifting the conversation, or appeasing a partner. However, many of these apologies lack the depth and sincerity required to truly heal wounds and foster emotional connection. In fact, poorly executed apologies can sometimes do more harm than good, contributing to emotional distance and relationship dissatisfaction.

An authentic apology is an essential part of any healthy relationship. It demonstrates not only a recognition of one’s mistakes but also a willingness to make amends and grow. However, when apologies are offered without true remorse or understanding, they can fall flat. Below are some common examples of ineffective apologies and why they fail to repair or nurture relationships:

1. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

This apology is often used in a passive-aggressive manner, repeating the words to silence the other person or move the conversation along without addressing the issue at hand. It undermines the gravity of the other person’s feelings and is often perceived as a way to avoid taking responsibility.

2. “I’m sorry, but…”

The addition of “but” transforms an apology into an excuse. It shifts the focus from the hurt caused to the justifications behind the behavior, diluting any genuine remorse. When you apologize, avoid placing conditions or blame on the other person—otherwise, it’s no longer an apology but an explanation.

3. “I’m sorry for not…”

This apology often follows with a vague statement like “I’m sorry for not listening.” While it may seem like an apology, it focuses on the small, less important aspect of the issue instead of taking ownership of the main offense. This deflects from the real issue and minimizes the other person’s feelings.

4. “I’m sorry, but you did…”

Here, the apology is a window-dressing tactic that offers no real accountability. By shifting the blame to the other person, this form of apology diminishes the sincerity of the apology and creates an “us vs. them” dynamic that hinders reconciliation.

5. “I’m sorry about that.”

A broad, non-specific apology like this lacks detail and conveys a sense of unwillingness to acknowledge the actual harm done. Without specificity, it’s difficult for the offended party to feel heard or validated, and the apology risks feeling hollow.

6. “I’m sorry” (while laughing).

When someone delivers an apology while laughing, it can come across as mocking, belittling the other person’s emotions. This response can invalidate the other person’s feelings, making it seem as though the apology is not genuine.

7. “I’m sorry” (followed by dramatic crying).

Overly emotional apologies, especially those that center around the person who is apologizing rather than the person who was hurt, can seem insincere. This turns the situation into a performance and prevents the focus from being on the other person’s pain.

8. “I’m sorry your feelings got hurt.”

Although this may appear empathetic, it subtly shifts the responsibility onto the other person, implying that their sensitivity is the problem. A true apology focuses on the harm caused, not on the other person’s emotional response.

9. “I’m sorry I bothered you.”

This apology is more about alleviating the speaker’s guilt rather than taking responsibility. It comes across as self-centered, and it implies that the person’s feelings are an inconvenience rather than something deserving of empathy.

10. “I’m sorry, but I don’t agree.”

This type of apology is a contradiction in itself. It uses the apology as a way to soften an upcoming argument, but it never actually addresses the wrongdoing. It’s an apology in name only and fails to acknowledge the other person’s perspective or feelings.

11. “I’m sooorrrrry.”

A sarcastic, exaggerated apology like this is passive-aggressive and dismissive. It mocks the other person’s feelings rather than demonstrating any genuine remorse or accountability.

12. “I’m sorry” (when there’s nothing to apologize for).

Sometimes, people say “I’m sorry” as a default response to uncomfortable situations or when they feel embarrassed. However, offering an apology when it’s not needed can dilute its meaning, making it less impactful when a real apology is required.

13. “I’ll say sorry when you say sorry.”

This sets up a power struggle where apologies become a competition. True healing in a relationship can only happen when both individuals are willing to take responsibility for their actions without waiting for the other to go first.

14. “I’m only going to say sorry once.”

This statement is controlling, demanding that the other person forgive immediately. It does not allow space for the offended party to process their feelings, which is essential for genuine reconciliation.

15. Not saying “I’m sorry.”

Perhaps the most damaging apology is the one that’s never said. When someone refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing or fails to apologize, it can indicate an unrepentant or prideful attitude, leaving the hurt partner feeling neglected and unimportant.

16. Saying “I’m sorry” too frequently.

While repeated apologies may be necessary in certain situations, over-apologizing can make the words lose their meaning. If someone apologizes too often, it can suggest that they are not truly reflecting on their actions or that they are using the apology to avoid more difficult conversations.

17. Buying gifts instead of apologizing.

Some individuals attempt to cover up their wrongdoing by purchasing expensive gifts in lieu of an apology. This action often comes across as an attempt to buy forgiveness rather than take responsibility for their behavior.

18. Doing things instead of apologizing.

When someone engages in excessive “acts of service” as a distraction from the actual issue, it can feel like avoidance. This can prevent the relationship from healing because the underlying issue remains unaddressed.

 The Five Ingredients of a Genuine Apology

While there are many ways to apologize poorly, there are also effective methods for offering a sincere and healing apology. To create meaningful change in a relationship, here are the five key components of an authentic apology:

1. Acknowledge Specific Actions:

   An apology begins with stating exactly what you’re sorry for. Be specific, clear, and direct. This shows you understand the hurt you’ve caused. Avoid qualifiers like “but” or vague language that deflects responsibility.

2. Appropriate Emotion:

   A genuine apology is accompanied by the appropriate emotional response. There should be enough emotion to show empathy and concern, but not so much that it turns into a theatrical performance. The focus should remain on the person you hurt, not on your emotional state.

3. Commit to Change:

   True remorse is reflected in a willingness to change. A genuine apology is not just about words—it’s about changing behavior. Demonstrate that you are committed to altering your actions in the future to avoid repeating the same mistake.

4. Use “Sorry” Judiciously:

   Don’t over-apologize. Use the word “sorry” only when it is necessary and heartfelt. If you apologize too frequently or for trivial matters, it diminishes the impact of a meaningful apology.

5. Follow Through with Resolution:

   An apology is most powerful when it is followed by a reasonable and constructive resolution. This may involve addressing the root cause of the issue, making amends, and finding a solution that both parties agree on, fostering unity and growth in the relationship.

Conclusion

The Power of an Authentic Apology

When couples follow these five steps, real change can take place. A well-executed apology has the potential to heal emotional wounds, rebuild trust, and deepen the bond between partners. It shows a genuine desire to move forward, to correct mistakes, and to strengthen the relationship. Witnessing this transformation—when both partners truly care for each other’s feelings—is one of the most beautiful and rewarding aspects of therapeutic work.

A New Outlook Recovery Services provides therapy for individuals dealing with mental health challenges, relationship and marriage issues, and substance use disorders. Our services include Mental Health and Substance Use Disorder PHP/IOP programs and NeuroStar TMS therapy. Proudly serving communities across Colorado.  Call us today for more information at (303) 798-2196… Your Healing Begins Here.